Confident People Apologize Only When Necessary

Continuing the theme of self-promotion, a friend forwarded me an interesting article Audrey Lee wrote for the New York Times Sunday business section, “How to Suppress the Apology Reflex“.  Briefly, Lee’s premise is that way too many people expend way too much energy using the term “sorry” when no apology is necessary.  In business, you only need to say you are sorry when there is something for which to be sorry.

Lee describes being brought up to be modest regarding her achievements and to defer to the point of obsequious to those more senior.  Early in her career, she found she defaulted to “sorry” as a basic response to a variety of situations.  Even when the senior person assured her that nothing was wrong, her return response was “sorry”.  Her early childhood training was so strongly ingrained; she did not realize the impact of her reflex response.   At this point of my read, I could see myself in her shoes.  I cannot tell you how many times in my past I have uttered the reflexive sorry response.

Finally one of her colleagues in exasperation exclaimed, “Stop saying ‘sorry’!  You don’t need to unless you really did do something wrong, O.K.?  The team and customers will think that you aren’t confident when you always apologize.”  The article goes on to describe how Lee began to grow her confidence and practice communicating her worth throughout her workplace environment.

Just yesterday, a colleague reviewed a draft for a course description I had written.  I had forgotten to include an essential item, which she caught and inserted into the working document.  My first reaction was to apologize.  Just as I was typing the words “I’m sorry” into the email text, I remembered Lee’s article and stopped.  Two brains are better than one.  The purpose of peer review is to create stronger documents and projects.  Yes, my inner child reflex wished I had created the perfect document as part of the first draft process.  However, after I reviewed my colleague’s comments, I made other changes and the collaborative effort made for a stronger third and final draft.  Like Lee, suppressing the apology response will be an on-going practice for me.

The essential take away — if an apology is necessary, be accountable and take responsibility; however, in the course of normal business interactions, suppress that default reflex to apologize.   Arbitrary apologies suggest timidity and not the confident composure that indicates a practiced professional.

Hey – That Was My Idea!!!

Last week, as part of the introduction I wrote, “How frustrating it can be when someone else takes credit for our work and ideas!”  One of my focus group folks came back and asked me what do you do when someone steals your idea?  I had to take a deep breath.  What do you do?  I could not provide a direct answer to a direct question. My first thought being, “It depends.”  And, my second thought about how to plot revenge didn’t seem productive.  So, I went out to my network, and say thanks to my nephew and several friends for sharing their good advice.

All of my sources did agree, “It depends.”  Did the idea come up as part of a group brainstorm?  Or, did someone take an overview of your work and conveniently, introduce your well researched endeavor as his/her plan?  Is the purloiner your manager or a colleague?  Is compensation involved?

Let’s start with what do you do when people take your well researched idea and present it as their own?  If compensation is involved, people suggest you go to your manager and discuss the situation.  If you are in a presentation situation and someone steps forward and describes your idea, the best proactive advice is to smile and, as appropriate, ask some pointed questions regarding the research or implementation that the purloiner will not be able to answer.  You can then redirect the conversation to you and your expertise (without grandstanding).    If you are too flabbergasted or don’t have the opportunity to become an active member of the initial discussion, you should probably speak with the person who presented your idea as their own.  It is possible they will apologize and recant.  It also is possible, that they will tell you, “It’s just business.  Get over it.”  If this happens, try to gracefully sidestep the purloiner’s efforts to dump all of the grunt work on you and begin to put efforts into prevention against future purloiners.  In either instance, it is possible the purloiner had been working on an idea very similar to yours; this could be an opportunity to join forces.

Prevention goes back to the concept of self-promotion.  My friend Sandra’s advice is to, “speak up early and to lots of people”.  This is important advice because Sandra is a person who pays great attention to detail and usually prefers to have her thoughts worked out before sharing them publicly.  She has learned that it is okay to discuss ideas with people, even if all of the “kinks” are not worked out.  Using email as a means to document ideas that are still “in process” is another means of letting people know where the idea originates, as well as opening the lines for discussion to make the initial concept stronger.

On the other hand, be careful about inadvertently taking someone else’s idea as your own.  Another friend shared a situation that occurred when she was participating in a brainstorming session while lots of good ideas were flowing.  As part of a summary, someone credited an idea to her which was brought up by someone else.  The discussion quickly moved forward and she did not have a chance to speak up immediately.  When it was her turn to speak, my friend circled back and made sure the idea originator was given credit.

Proactively staying connected within your organization by attending meetings and other events enables people to learn about you and your ideas.  You might get introduced to someone who knows of someone else in a different part of your organization who is working on a similar idea.  This is an opportunity to create a wider, stronger platform.  The more physically present you are the more difficult it will be for someone to take your idea as their own.

Tooting Your Own Horn – Self-Promotion or Bragging?

When I was a little girl, I was taught not to brag or show off. Polite people were humble and deferred compliments.   These admonitions followed me into adulthood.  Speaking with friends, I wasn’t the only one who was taught humility is a laudable trait.  How frustrating it can be when someone else takes credit for our work and ideas!  Or, what about trying to deliver those nerve wracking “elevator speeches” to describe your capabilities; how many times have you said the wrong thing to the right person?

Many articles have been written about how to promote you without coming across as a braggart.  Promoting my professional persona continues to be one my greatest challenges.  My excitement can get the best of me as I head off on tangents or go into too much detail.   Recently, I read two articles that resonated with me.  The focal points were:

1)      Self-promotion vs Self-adulation

2)      Who Knows What You Know

The first defines self-adulation as a description of past accomplishments. Self-promotion is a discussion that shares your ideas and goals.  The suggestion is not to talk about what you have done, but what you want to make happen.  Positive energies excite people.  By focusing on actions and ideas, you are offering people the opportunity to engage and converse.

Whether you are speaking with people within your organization or networking outside of your organization, you must remember the 3Cs:  confidence, crispness, and clarity.  People will take notice and pay attention if you can maintain this focus. First, exhibit confidence:  speak up and enunciate clearly.  Do not defer to false modesty.  If it is a team effort, share this information and make sure to include yourself as part of the team.  Second, crispness refers to succinct, easy-to-understand descriptions.  Many projects tend toward complexity.  Practice describing your work or the challenge at hand as simply as possible, with as few words as possible.  If people need to know the details, they will ask.  The third “C” clarity is meant to help you focus on the people with whom you are speaking.  Why should they care about what you saying?  Focus your description on clarifying your vision for the person to whom you are speaking.  Your manager’s manager may require a different explanation than a new team member.

The second article focuses on self-promotion as a means for people to learn about you, the value you bring to the table, and directions you hope to pursue.  As you prepare your descriptive statements, think about how you and your efforts fit into the larger strategic picture.   What was important about the project?  How did it help your business unit or the organization’s bottom line?  How has the project expanded your perspective?  Do you have knowledge that will be helpful to others that you can share?  Are there areas you would like to explore?

People may only recognize your talents within the narrow window of a specific work task.  It is your responsibility to help them learn the strengths and professional capabilities that you can deliver as it relates to the project under discussion. Be prepared for people to ask you questions and possibly disagree with some of your opinions.   Being able to respond thoughtfully and generously to even the most antagonistic query will demonstrate your professional acuity.

Working With People Who Don’t Work Like You Do

The DiSC^® tool is a psychological inventory tool that identifies four primary personality types:  Driver, Influencer, Steadiness, and Conscientious.  About a year ago, I found a great interpretation posted on the Internet that helped me better understand the successes and failures I have had working with various managers and team members.

The following is a quick synopsis of the DiSC^® model that looks at the key values, work style limits, preferred communication styles, and the characteristics they require from others working on the team.

Drivers are people who value competency and concrete results.  They can be impatient and skeptical.  When communicating with a driver type, it is essential to be brief and focus on the facts/the bottom line.  Their most valued team members help them to recognize specific requirements of a situation and the associated weigh pros/cons.

Influencers are people who value creative expression and collaborative relationships. They can be impulsive and disorganized.  When communicating with an influencer type, they prefer people to ask questions and share experiences.  Their most valued team members are people who will speak directly and help them to focus on the facts.

Steadiness types are people who value loyalty and cooperation.  They can be indecisive and too accommodating.  When communicating with a steadiness type, they prefer people who are amiable and allow them time to reflect and clarify.  They do not like conflict.  Their most valued team members are people who will help them react quickly and who can be firm with other people for them.

Conscientious types are people who value quality and accuracy.  They can be critical to a fault and can over analyze a situation.  When communicating with a conscientious type, they prefer people who focus on the facts.  Their most valued team members are people who will help them delegate tasks and can help them make quick decisions.

Do you recognize yourself, your manager, your team leader, or your arch enemy at work?

The goal of the DiSC^® tool is to help people create more productive working relationships.  You may not like someone, but you do need to accomplish the assigned work task.  This work place perspective should help you turn a negative work environment into a more positive venue by enabling you to better understand other people’s work styles and adjust your reactions to foster a collaborative partnership.

Since I happened on this analysis, I have become much more open to people who work differently than my preferred work style.  For example, I have never considered it acceptable for someone to erase an outrageously critical comment, by saying, “nothing personal, it’s just business.”  I tend towards being an Influencer.  There was nothing “non-personal” about their negative comments.  I perceived them as attacks on the efforts of my team and me.  My first reaction would be to would be to limit cooperative efforts with this person and waste time thinking about “revenge”.  Frankly, I never acted on those revenge feelings — the only person I hurt was me.  I now understand that it truly wasn’t personal; my colleague was simply acting on his nature.  I am learning to take an extra breath to think how I should react to an overly critical comment from a person who might be a Conscientious type.  Yes, it stings and I may not like it, but I do need to “get over it” and focus my energies constructively on the work at hand.